Written by Alan Kirschenbaum, Directed by Ted Wass

Special guest star Dorie Barton as the real Tess

Guest starring Kellie Waymire as Tess, Jay Harik as the clerk

Featuring R. Martin Klein as bar customer

"Why can't I meet her? What are you afraid of?" -Ian
"So far we know spiders, small spaces, thousand island dressing..." -Jake
"Tess, hi. Yeah, I'm not going to be able to make it for lunch today." -Henry
"...clowns, hot dogs, bubble wrap...." -Jake

"Why am I always the pinata here? Let's discuss Jake's private life for a moment, shall we?" -Henry
"My mother's a lesbian and I have webbed feet." -Jake
"I'll see you later." -Henry

"Tess wants crazy sex and you're lousy in bed. That's a nice tie. Damn, I should have said that first." -Ian

"Believe me, Henry, if I knew what part of my brain your sex life was stored in I'd go in there myself and cut it out with a melon scoop." -Ian

"I said hello, she said she needed to be ravished like a wild beast." -Ian

"And she wants to be called dirty names. Do you know any?" -Ian
"You mean, like 'harlot?'" -Henry

"When he took out that leash, I thought I was getting a puppy...." -Tess